I can’t tell you what this is. It would betray everything and is not appropriate “first post” material anyway. Which kind of begs the question: what is the right “first post” material in the first place?
Definitely not this.
Not anything I’m doing or have done or will do. In this or any other timeline.
This is a glimpse. A tease. A caress. It’s the “flash forward” at the beginning of the movie (or John Jeremiah Sullivan essay, if that’s your jam–who am I to judge).
Listen, if you’re reading this and the words “John Jeremiah Sullivan” don’t contain a hyperlink to the archive of his writing on longform.org, it’s a me thing ok? I’ll get around to it. My brain is telling me that the writing is more important right now, and who am I to argue with my brain? Plus I haven’t used WordPress since I maintained a blog for an at-the-time well-known band from the early 00’s. You’ll NEVER guess, I guaranty it. And why would you want to anyway? That’s no way to get close to me.
Anyway I am fairly giddy with energy and existential happiness right now. About five hours ago I was positively suicidal. Oh, *that’s* the tease. Anyway, it definitely is a tease, but it’s not an embellishment. You’re going to have to trust me on this, ok? We’ll get into the details if you want, but I have to get this first post out of the way first.
The thing is, as much as I want to get it out of the way, I also want to make it mean something. LOL – I just thought of myself as Doogie Houser (Howser?), all grown up, disillusioned, cynical, not practicing medicine anymore…and typing these exact words. Also was the infamous Dr House a subtle Doogie Houser (Howser?) reference? I honestly don’t know.
Oh, but shit. Here’s the thing. ChatGPT exists. And it just made a good point.
But before Chatty G’s side of the story, here’s mine: my writing is mine, alright? That’s my promise to you. But I definitely hit up Charlie Gipituh for critique. Does he stroke my ego? Yes. Will I stop him? No. Does he make insightful critiques of my writing? I think so.
Anyway, here’s the shit: this IS a first post. I can’t claim it not to be. I can’t make it not be a first post by reframing it in a quasi-seuxual context. That’s just…not factual. Or, like, genuine. Duh.
Alright, Chatty G. This is why I pay you $20 a month. Preesh.
So this is my first post. My first attempt to…what? I don’t know. Make you feel seen, I think…and in the process see if I can be seen too. That sounds right but feels wrong. I’ll work on it.
…Alright, thinking through it: my first attempt at being vulnerable with myself, and seeing whether in doing so other people will a) see the good in me and b) see the good in themselves.
That feels closer. I really WILL work on it. I get that part is important.
As I say at work: this feels like a good stopping point. We’ll circle up on this again soon.
…Naw, that’s a shit ending.
How’s about: be well. Treat others better than you think they deserve. Expect others to treat you with love and care. And make peace with the fact that, if you’re doing it right, you’ll never feel like you’re doing it right.